Do you consider yourself a romantic? Have you ever wondered what friends or colleagues are like in bed? Have you ever broken a date to go on a date with someone else? What is the largerst age difference you had in a relationship? Are you considered a regular at any eating establishment? Do you use a night light or no light? If you could 'uninvent' one thing in the world so that it would no longer exist, what would you choose? Do you think older people look silly with tattoos? Forward to Friend | Comments (5) Nun Jokes |  |
#1
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was
about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come
to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were
not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they
discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to
see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can
look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well,
Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If
I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
#2
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the
pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a
collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to
answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of
Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she
went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun: "An apple" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went
through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The
lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
#3
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was
walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir
you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun," and the man said "But
that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish
back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn
fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk
like that!" and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name
of it: a goddamn fish." So the mother superior said "Well give me the
goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the
monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you
shouldn't talk like that!" and the mother superior said "But that's
the name of it: a goddamn fish." So the monsignor said "Well give me
the goddamn fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a
new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the
sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I
cleaned the goddamn fish." And the monsignor said "I cooked the
goddamn fish." And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place
already!"
#4
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business
next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.
#5
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long
black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I
saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on
this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another
nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please
place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end
of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO
IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS
OF MERCY.
#6
This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day,
when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way.
Then the man sayeth unto her, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from
the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice,
unless you're tired."
#7
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday
morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the preist and says, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"
She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of
his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it." The priest looks
up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and
drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the
fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
I have sinned." The priest asks" Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The
priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,
"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The
fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
#8
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The
mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very
serious frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here,
yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair of men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh,no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee,hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
#9
Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to
heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.
"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the
gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and
says," "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"
Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and
your sin will be forgiven.
The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a
man's penis!"
Ohhh, says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands
in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven...
...meanwhile, in the backround the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are
going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem,
that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St.
Peter.
"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle
with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"
#10
This german tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer
that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting
and he managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge,
he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was
doing his business, he was surprised by the Mother Superior. "OH! I am
soo sorry!' "No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a
man's...You know. Could I take a look?" The tourist was freaked out by
a nun asking to see his works but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he
figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was
about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it.
Would you mind...?" "This is really wierd, but sure." The tourist was
getting really exited. Who could say that you had been tossed off by
a nun? "Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete
expience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to
get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondleing his
testicles and sudennly straightened, and said,
"Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!!!!!!(SQUEEZE).
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Absolute Beginners
Posted 3/10/2010 5:53:38 AM by Linda - [Show All My Posts]
| A nice lovesong... :) ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS I've nothing much to offer There's nothing much to take I'm an absolute beginner And I'm absolutely sane As long as we're together The rest can go to hell I absolutely love you But we're absolute beginners With eyes completely open But nervous all the same If our love song Could fly over mountains Could laugh at the ocean Just like the films There's no reason To feel all the hard times To lay down the hard lines It's absolutely true Nothing much could happen Nothing we can't shake Oh we're absolute beginners With nothing much at stake As long as you're still smiling There's nothing more I need I absolutely love you But we're absolute beginners But if my love is your love We're certain to succeed If our love song Could fly over mountains Sail over heartaches Just like the films There's no reason To feel all the hard times To lay down the hard lines It's absolutely true Forward to Friend | Comments (0) Redneck Love | |
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excites me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits!
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me, back in '74.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd.
Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant, upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old, like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together; like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds; It's a new trollin' motor!
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Wednesday!!!
Posted 3/10/2010 4:26:37 AM by Chelsie - [Show All My Posts]
